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January 26th, 2005
its like i miss josh but i want to move on at the same time. i need to find something different. i'm tired of being single. i don't wanna be lonely anymore. my friends can't fill that void anymore. friends can't always provide what a boyfriend can.
Current Music: jay-z- never change
January 25th, 2005
this weekend i experienced officially what is was like to be homeless! i slept without heat at rich's. its was pretty fun, i was skeed but that is how i usually am. john had us listening to the guerilla black cd over and over again. it was actually pretty good. i was quite surprised. :
i was off work today. i watched a bronx tale because there was nothing else to do. i could have cleaned my room, but that would have taken the whole day. i'm now waiting for britt to call me. (GOD I'LL BE HAPPY WHEN I HAVE MY OWN CAR!)we're supposed to be going to get our nails done. i want to get out the house so i can at least smoke a stray. i had one this morning when i woke up. i only have one left so if i do smoke one tonight i have to go buy a pack! if i don't i just might kill someone! i can't go too long without a stray.
but let me go....i'm actually gonna go and clean my room and put my new poster up.
Current Music: guerilla black- say what
January 20th, 2005
its over now
i want to get the hell out of here! FAST! before its all over!
Current Music: none, jd decided to be a bitch and take the headphones!
i don't know anymore. i don't know anything anymore. i'm just incredibly bored sitting here. the only reason i'm typing this shit is because i really don't want to talk to anyone and there is nothing to do. i could go upstairs and clean my room...but...hup! who cares!
we came to the conclusion that we'll go up the first weekend of february and not the last weekend of january. its easier for everyone. its sale weekend at the morn and steve needs me to work the whole weekend. i don't mind as long as i know that i get the weekend i asked for off.
but there is a slight problem...you see mr. butta cack has a g/f now. i will admit i got a smigg jealous. but hey, i'm a girl!!! i tried my hardest not to. thats pretty much why he hasn't been returning my calls. thats all he had to tell me. its not like i'm gonna cry or anything. but yeah, i ended up doing what i wasn't supposed to do-tell him we're coming up. britt got mad. i think because she thinks that it's gonna be like last time. you see the problem..which really isn't a problem...he said that i could still get the cack! i was happy at first but then i realized that that would be incredibly wrong if i did do that. i'm nobody's "bitch on the side". yeah he says that he's "a grown ass man" but its just plain wrong to cheat. i watch cheaters every night at 1:30 (you see that i really don't have a life) and if i am the girl who he is cheating with and i know that he goes out with her...i'm gonna feel so horrible! i really shouldn't do anything. 1. because it's wrong, 2. what if she finds out, 3. britt will be pissed (but she's been getting her's on a regular basis for the past 2 months. whats good with me finally getting some play? DAMN!!)
so that solves it for me, i won't do anything. he might be a lil pissed but hey, he's got a girl! go to her if you want to sling the cack.
all that matters is that i'm fresh to death! i'm getting my nails done this weekend and my hair will be done the day before we go so it will be EXTRA FRESH! i'm just gonna flat iron it the whole weekend because my curling iron is being a dick. but yeah i just im-ed drake about what me and mr. butta cack talked about last night....
-i'm out this bitch
Current Music: T.I- the greatest
January 19th, 2005
i hate my life. i mean, yeah, i know some people have it worse than i do, but that doesn't matter right now. i just feel like shit. i told cock if someone was to run in my house and rob and kill me, i honestly wouldn't mind. it sounds so bad. i just want someone to hand me either a gun or some pills i can overdose on.
and just because you people are reading this, don't call me feeling sorry for me and asking me what is wrong with me because i'm about to tell everyone what is wrong with me. this is the first and last time i will type something this serious to me.....
i'm sick of being me, i just hate it all. i hate being the token fat friend who is JUST funny! i haven't had dick it close to 2 months! josh doesn't call me anymore, neither does brandon! i miss the old convos me and brandon would have. :( i just wish i could be the pretty one for once in my life. now i know what "grape ape" feels like. i know that that was quite extreme, but thats what the fuck i feel like. i just feel unwanted and unloved. maybe if i loose about 30lbs. someone will want me. i just wish i looked like mimi sometimes.(fuck it...i wanna be mimi!!) and the sad part of fixing my depression at this moment is a stray, a drink, a blunt, or a gun with one bullet. music isn't even making me feel better....well, thats somewhat of a lie because i keep listening to mr. big- be with you over and over again and i'm feeling somewhat better. sometimes when i go to sleep i wish i wouldn't wake up. i feel like i'm a burden on some people because i can't do anything for myself, like drive, or with my parentals i'm not independent. i don't know what the fuck is going on with me right now. i haven't been this bad in a long time, i truly don't know what will fix it. it's not like i can talk to someone about it because i just start to cry. i don't want to bother anyone else with my problems. that is the last thing i want to do right now. no one really understands right now. there is so much more wrong right now. i don't even think i have room for it.
so yeah, if any of my friends read this...i'm telling you this......you approach me about talking about my problems and i'm punch the shit out of you. i just wanted to type and get some shit off of my chest! so "suck a dick, bitch, kick it!"
-i'm out this bitch
Current Music: mr. big- be with you
i just typed a shit load of stuff and if wouldn't even update it because i didn't have the backdate option on!!! what the fuck! i'm officially pissed this morning. i hate this damn computer.
Current Music: lustra-scotty doesn't know (song from eurotrip)
January 3rd, 2005
i really can't type much, but what i can say is that its been a crazy weekend. i still didn't get what i wanted.
i finally gave someone some really good advice, advice i wish someone had given me about 3 years ago. right now britt is somewhat in the same position that i have been in forever!
oh and i will admit that i called him but i think god was looking out for me and he didn't call me back. or maybe he just didn't call back because it wasn't my phone number. who knows but i'm just glad i didn't go through that drama with him this weekend. i'm trying my hardest not to be a statistic, and when i say trying i do mean that whole heartedly. i need to do something different. i'm just sick of it being the same type everytime.
but yeah, some people might not understand what the hell i'm talking about right now but who really gives a shit. i gotta go, jd needs the computer.
-i'm out this bitch
Current Music: keith urban-you'll think of me
December 29th, 2004
i need it like a drug!
screw needing it like a drug, i need drugs! Lol. its the day before jd's b-day and i'm officially broke! and to top it off, my phone got cut off until i pay my bill, because i went over my "spending limit"! my phone bill will be $186.30!!!! i'm gonna have to pull that out of my ass. i have no cigarettes, minus the 100's jd gave me not to long ago. (YES!)
but tomorrow is jd's 16th b-day and i hate to be selfish, but the money auntie margie gave me is going to new years. i have $40 and i have to spend it smart. i need bubble gum, drinks, and i have to buy food. god i hate being broke. and i need to make like 3 cd's for new years. i'll probably have ash drop some off tomorrow.
we're supposed to go out tonight, but it's like 8:35 and she hasn't called me back yet, cuz she said her mom needed a ride somewhere. so for some reason i don't think we're really going anywhere. it's kinda good in a way because i need to get a full night of sleep. i have to do a truck tomorrow and i had to do one today off of a hangover and 4 hours of sleep. i'm really not trying to feel like i did this morning ever again.
but on some real no bullshit...last night me and drake were fresh as a muthafucka! and i met someone new at duck's house. his name is kj and he's not the typical type for me. he's not tall black and ugly. he has really pretty eyes and....yeah, he's not as persistent as everyone else who lives in that house. and last night i was drunk! i would honestly prefer being high rather than to be drunk. being high just feels better, and when you wake up in the morning you don't want to kill yourself.
but back to last night...i got turned down! FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I, ASHLEIGH WAS TURNED DOWN! that will be the last time that that ever happens. at first i felt bad, but he was talking about how he was "a changed man", which is sweet and all but damn! i was looking bang as hell last night. thank god i had a ciggarette though! i love you newport's!!!!
but shit yeah my dogg, let me go. i need to call ash to see what the hell me and ash are doing tonight. GOD I NEED MY CELL PHONE!!!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS ASS!!!!!
-i'm out this bitch
Current Music: mike jones- dick don't fail me now
December 26th, 2004
i hate it- 5:29 pm
i hate the fuckin snow! maybe if i was like 6 and had lots of friends in the neighborhood. when it snows it means if you have a car, you are going abosolutely NO WHERE! the only good thing was that i didn't have to go work today. i woke up at 9 when my alarm went off, woke up again at 9:30 and hopped in the shower. by the time i was totally awake and dressed thats when my damn boss decides that he doesn't want us to come in. if i could just go to duck's with ash and drink tonight, it would make this snow more enjoyable. i'm about to just be lazy and go back to sleep. or i can drink in my own room, i do have a bottle of fire.
I HATE THE FUCKIN SNOW!!!! WHY NOW, WHY!
-i'm out this bitch!
Current Music: 50 cent- disco inferno
December 22nd, 2004
hell yeah biatch
guess who is the freshest bitch?....ME GOD DAMNIT!!! what now muthafucka!
hell yeah, my black ass pulled an all-nighter literally, after i got off of work yesterday at like 9:30 me and ash went to her crib to drop off steve and so i could wrap bj's gift. so i did that we went to bj's watched duplex (funny as hell, that old bitch needed to die) and chill with him, seeing as how he is alone till sheena comes home. we left his place because steve called, he wanted us to come up to denny's with him and dewayne. it was like 2:10 when i got home and i knew if i did i would have never woke up at 3:45.
the reason i had to wake up was because i had to be at the mall with all the other black people in the world to cop the new jordans. so i stayed up all night, took a shower, got dressed and britt picked up me, jd, and jp to be a the mall by 5. we ended up getting there at 5:20 and when we got in there, there were already like 50 people in line. the store didn't open up until 6 but if i didn't get my shoes i would have cried or stabbed someone. i finally got my shoes at like 6:50! but it was worth waiting in line. it didn't seem that long because me and britt were talking to drew and seth the whole time, and joking on random people.
but i am one fresh bitch at the moment. i don't even want to take the motherfuckers off my feet! but i still have to go to work at 3 today. that sucks because i know i'm going to be tired as hell when i actually get to work. but i'm closing with ash and "sexy ass rob"! damn that nigga is bang for a white boy.
but yeah, i'm starting to get tired. i'ma try and go to sleep now.
-i'm out this bitch
Current Music: slim thug- put ya up ma